【キキ】 indoors

Who's sick?

I am!

Anyhow, a short and sweet entry just to say that I never really know how to pace myself these days... I tried to set up a routine these past few months, and honestly, it hasn't worked at all. I think I went way too ambitious, and I'm slowly realizing that I can't fit in a day everything I want to, part of the problem being I'm a huge lazy fuck. But I'll keep working on it, and honestly, I hope that by later this year, I'll have managed to keep to it a bit better than right now.

This month, I have a few very important appointments regarding my transition, and I can't wait to be over with them. I really want things to speed up now that I got started, but I always have to be patient, and it's eating me inside! But I know I'll get there, I just need to wait.

Still haven't decided whether I'll keep using this LJ or switch over to Dreamwidth... The reason why I'm so conflicted is because Dreamwidth seems more convenient, as everyone switched to it back in the day, but now that I got started on Russian, I'm telling myself that staying on LJ seems nice? Because there are a lot of posts in cyrillics, and although I don't understand much for now, it could turn out to be good practice...
Maybe I'll make a DW account and see for myself. If it doesn't suit me, I'll stay here!
  • Current Music
    Slaves - Steer Clear
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【Ico】 mischevious

Walking away

Well, I've been thinking quite a lot about this little old Livejournal recently. Mostly, what do I want to do with it? I've been thinking I'd like a little place online to jot my thoughts down every now and again, maybe write about lifestyle stuff I've been doing recently to take better care of myself. It's just little things really, like trying new hair products, buying myself some clothes or trying to get back in shape, but it's helped me in the past to keep track of my progress, so why the hell not?
I've been hesitating between using this Livejournal again, making a new one, or making a Dreamwidth instead. I'm still thinking about it, but in the meanwhile, I'll use this one.
I've been having a lot of thoughts about branding myself online, and that'll have to be through a username I can use as an artist. A platform on Livejournal would make no exception. I actually hate that I have to do that, but... it's the most efficient way to group my accounts together, so I'll have to sit on that thought.

Anyhow, this week I'm going back to school on Monday and Tuesday, for the first time of the year so far. I couldn't manage with health and classes so far in January, and I'm gonna try to slowly ease it into my habits. But my main focus will be on finding a school for next year, and honestly it looks like it'll be a hastle, but I'll take little steps this week, by actually going into the unis whose programs I'm interested in, and asking people directly. I hope it'll go well.

For now, I'd better go to bed because I have no clue if I'll be able to wake up on time tomorrow...
【?】 tomato

I've hit rock bottom

I took the painful decision to quit school.
After a week of excruciating stress for a group project I just turned in last night, I think I have never been this tired in my life. I feel worn out, drained. Anxiety creeps in every corner of my skin, making me unable to appreciate anything other than the soothing smoke of a joint. I feel ashamed of what I'm turning in, I feel like I'm lacking respect to my other group members and to some teachers I care about.
But really, I can't do it anymore. I don't even know if I ever was able to make it work, really. School has made me feel miserable my whole life. My whole life has revolved around school. I've always been a student. It's almost as if it became part of my identity, to a point where I couldn't project myself being something else, even when I was out of school. And I don't think it's ever truly made me happy.

The happiest I've ever been in school was my first year of college. I had finally graduated high school after struggling with that, and felt better about myself and my abilities. Plus, I was studying something I truly loved, to a rhythm that sure was tough, but doable. Since then, though, it has only become harder and harder to keep up, to a point where I'm not enjoying the least bit what I do. Let's not even talk about subjects I'm failing.
And at this point, I really feel like if I'm going to respect myself, quitting is the only option. Continuing like this, feeling miserable, pushing aside all of the other things I want in life just to get a diploma - a fucking piece of paper -, butchering my physical and mental health... It can't go on. I don't want this to go on anymore.
So I'm quitting.
I have no clue what's ahead of me. But I want to shape something of my own, even if there are hardships along the way. I want to feel a bit more free. School has alienated me enough, calculating my worth into grades, making me compete with others, devouring all of my free time with homework. I'm done.
For now, considering my situation, my parents will still afford my expenses until I'm 25 and stay in school. That's what their divorce agreement keeps them liable for. So I'm going to try to not get kicked out of my school for this year (besides, it's a private school and the year's already been paid for), and enjoy the classes I still care about, but not pressure myself into going to the ones that are too stress-inducing.
Next year, I'm going to be sending applications for other schools. Schools that are public, not private, for one: that's a lot of pressure off my shoulders. Also, schools that won't pressure my attendance to class and where the mental charge of homework is much less important. Those are my only criterias, really. I'll be sending mainly applications for fine arts, in hopes of getting into a master's right away, but if I don't make it, I'll try out a bachelor's in something else I vaguely like, anything that'll keep me interested 'til I'm 25. Probably a third language or anthropology/sociology or something.

For now, I think my brain hasn't really registered that it's over. I still feel weary although I've turned in my damn project. I'm not going to school from Wednesday on next week. Going to take a break that I've more than earned and try to work on some of my personal stuff. If I've got 3 years ahead of me, might as well use them to pursue what I really like, and start working on illustrations or comics to make a bit of money, even if it doesn't pay my rent until a long while later.

On a more positive note, I've been to two concerts the past weekend: Gorillaz and King Krule. Both were great. I really love the way music makes me feel, and I think I've missed it a lot more than I can give it credit for. I want to get involved in it again. I don't know how yet, but this is something that's been in the back of my head for months now. I want to make music again. I want to be able to make music with my friends. I don't think it's impossible. I just gotta pick it up all over again and try my best.

I'll just end this post on some of King Krule's lyrics because they are on point with what I'm going through.

Cause it's the end of something I did not want to end
Beginning of hard times to come
Something that was not meant to be is done
And this is the start of what was
  • Current Music
    Mount Kimbie - Blue Train Lines (ft. King Krule)
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    , ,
【Murdoc】 demon days

When was the last time I went a day without feeling anxious?

Yeah, the title pretty much sums up what I've been up to.
I skipped school all this week, and I might as well skip the entire week. And I feel, well, shitty. I'm able to get things done, in fact, a lot of things... I started practicing anatomy again, and started writing a big fic. But school work is somehow a suffering to put up with. I can't even work for more than 10 minutes straight on 3D. As far as 2D goes, well, I did get done my last Environment assignment fairly efficiently, but that was it. Because the group project I'm in really scares me more than anything.
And on Saturday, I'm leaving to go to Liam's parents' house, which I should be excited for, but well, school anxiety awaits. Same goes for Gesture Drawing Night which I signed up for, and the 2 concerts I got tickets to go to this month.

I'm hoping to get as much done in the days to come, though, because November sounds like a big hell to put up with, but after that, it should calm down a bit. At least, we won't have this hellish 3D project to make us stumble... And I hope next year's school projects are a bit more interesting.
The big project we'll be working on is "sci-fi Game of Thrones", and yes, we'll have 3D to do, but at least the theme sounds fun, I guess? I'd love to do some psychedelic sci-fi, like Moebius's works, or the Kaiba series, but I don't know if it'll be allowed.

Anyway, I'm just rambling to say, I need to get my work done, but procrastination is the only way to keep myself alive it seems lol.
Can't wait for this cursed trimester to end. And hoping to do better once these projects are over with.
  • Current Music
    Magic Pengel OST - The Farthest Town
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【孫悟空】 flowers

Trying to fight it

VERY LONG TIME NO POST, I know. Well, the reason I'm posting here is because I'm trying to get into journaling a little, hoping it'll allow me to cope with my stress a little.

These past few days, no, I can even say months... I've been feeling an aching stress, and it's been eating me up. I do my best to fight it, but I just need a little pressure to tighten the knot from time to time, and I can end up in tears. It's a mess. I don't know if I've ever been this anxious before, maybe in high school... But I really don't want this to become a regular state of mood.
So, although I don't know what exactly is causing me all of this stress (but school might be a good educated guess orz), I'll try my best to stay on top of everything and not crack down. First of all, because I can't afford to do so: I have school to attend, and I need very badly to finish my studies, at least for my mother who always believed in me to get a diploma, no matter what it takes. It's the very least I could do for her. And, on the side, try to perfect what I love to do, hoping one day to make a living off of it. Meanwhile, try to take care of myself, my dysphoria, and my social difficulties.

I think what hasn't helped one bit, this past year, has been frequenting people who make me feel like shit from time to time, and although they did apologize afterwards, I've come out of this terribly wounded. And I'm still trying to learn to let go and to take care of myself. It comes and goes, but I hope I'll make improvement in overcoming this.

Also, this might seem like a bit out of topic, but I've been trying to go vegan for a while now. And I still have an extremely long way to go, but... I'll keep trying til I make it. So far, the big challenges to take out of my life are cheese, honey, leather, and some cosmetics. But taking out meat wasn't that big of a deal, although I still end up eating some because my roommates bring some from time to time, or my mother gets me some (although I'm trying to make her understand I don't want to eat that :x).
I think what was the deal breaker for me was that I realized I can't earnestly say I love animals when their suffering is in my fridge or what I'm wearing.
Honestly, I'm still struggling hard enough with my anxiety-related issues (having trouble to go towards people and talking to them, being painfully shy, being hurt easily when others show me that they don't trust me, etc...) to be strongly involved politically, but I want this to change as well... I don't see myself ever becoming a big activist, but I want to help. If anything, with the stories I write.

So, after two months of failure, with the Sketchember and Inktober I've failed to participate in, I'm going to try to take part in the NaNoWriMo this year again... Hoping I can make it. I think it'll do me good to accomplish something, even if it's very rough-drafty, and even if I don't reach the word count. Although I'll try my very best to make it there, even if the words I count aren't for the same text and I count in my research in that.
【和平】 ground zeroes

Atlantis

I'm back from Budapest! I spent this past week doing basically nothing, just relaxing at home, which I feel a little disappointed at myself for, but I'll start being active again soon enough. I'm actually a bit stressed out because of the upcoming school year is approaching a lot faster than I want it to... and I know it'll be a particularly exhaustive one. Hell, I haven't even chosen a PC yet, and I'll need to have it by mid-September... I really need to get on that (and I hope my dad will agree to fully finance it, because my money did all fly away in Budapest).

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In retrospect, although I feel really stressed out about not getting enough drawing and sports done this summer, I'm happy I got to get out of the house so much: I went in Vendée, got to see Nantes, Amiens, walked a lot in Paris when my friends were over, went to Budapest, and before summer ends, I'll probably stay over a little at my parents' house and go to Lyon and in Rhône-Alpes. The only thing unsure about seeing my parents is I need to find someone to keep Ico during that time, but hopefully it'll turn out well. (Although I don't like leaving him for long periods of time, he's really like a brother to me and I miss him a lot when we're not together.)

In September, I might be working full time for... a bank. A friend from my class told me they were hiring, and since it pays well, I was immediately interested and sent my resume. They haven't replied yet and I don't even know what position I'll be taking, but 75€ a day + public transports reductions + food tickets, can't say no to that. The big downside is that it's in Versailles, which is more than 1h30 away from my where I live. I think I'll do it if that's what it takes, but really, it'll be a big pain in the ass just because of public transportation. It'll basically kill the vacation time I have left, but it might be worth it for the money, so I'm waiting for what they have to offer me.
【Ico】 mischevious

Short entry before going to bed

Alright, well! I managed to keep up with my physical activity this whole week! And I made some progress as far as running goes. It's nothing amazing, really, but considering my poor breathing capacity and my lack of any exercising these past few years, I'm still happy. Since I don't have any running equipment, I just go outside with my keys and my iPod in my jogging pockets (and that jogging is too hot for summer weather, point being: I really should buy equipment if I plan on keeping this up), and look at the time I spend running by basing it on the songs I'm listening to. I also know that the street I run on is roughly 550m according to Google Maps. So that's what I use to know how I'm doing. Basically, since that street is cut in half by a crossroads, I usually take that as my stop, and do half of it running, the other half walking, and do that a couple of times, up and down the street. I went running on Tuesday, Wednesday and today, this week, which really isn't much, but I'll try to do more next week (I think if I can get to 5 days a week of running, it would be great). Today was my best by far: augmenting my running times little by little, I was able to run for 4 minutes straight, which is my personal record (don't laugh, I warned you my level is as low as a beginner's can be!), and managed to make it all the way down that street for the first time ever. This is very encouraging, so when I go running on Monday, I expect to be doing no less than that, and try to add in more and more slowly, until I can go up and down that street running, which will mark my first kilometer! Once that milestone's achieved, I'll probably try to find other running spots in my town, although it's far from easy, especially considering the summer sun (the strong point of that street is that it has quite a lot of shade). So today, I got up to a grand total of 12min15s of running total (with breaks of walking). If by next Sunday I can reach at least 16 minutes of running total, I'll be more than happy. I even want to aim for 20!
As far as exercising goes, I haven't noticed that much progress so far. It's really tiring very quickly, which I guess at least shows that what I'm doing is effective on my body. I feel like it's never really much, since I never do more than 20-30 minutes a day (without counting the stretching), but I think if I keep it up this whole month, my progress will start to show. I'm not lifting any weights, just using videos on YouTube to get ideas for exercises that mix up a little bit of gymnastics and muscle workouts.
I've also tried to pay a little bit more attention to what I eat, so that I can stay energized, eat stuff I like, not binge, and still stay under my budget. I'll try to do weigh-ins from now on to see if it has any impact on my weight.

The down side of this week is that, well, I barely drew. I started an acrylic painting of a tree from Totoro, but man, it's such a fucking disgrace, I can't even begin to describe how ugly it is. I'll still try to finish it, and keep practicing, because I'd really like to get better, both with acrylics and watercolor, but wow, I'm really starting from a kindergardener level.
This week, I have a friend visiting me, he'll be staying at my place until Thursday morning. We've been talking for a few months about starting a comics project together, revolving around Nepalese mythology and imagery to convey neuronological phenomenons (think stuff like out of body experience, alien hand syndrome, sleep paralysis...). We have a whole lot of documentation on the subject and I personally always wanted to work with traditional Nepalese or Tibetian artistic styles and mythologies. We'll try to brainstorm a little and see where it takes us. Despite his being here, I hope to still get my workouts done, which is asking for quite a lot of motivation on my part, but I hope I'll manage. I know in any case I'll go running, but it would be great if I could also find the time for my other exercises.
【Murdoc】 demon days

A sort of break

I meant to update for the past 2 week-ends, but either I wasn't at home or had just gotten back home and was relaxing. In the meanwhile, these past 2 weeks, I was mostly out of the house. I went to visit a friend in Vendée and we went to Nantes for Make Music Day (I actually didn't know for a long time that it was celebrated outside of France and had a name in English - here we just call it Fête de la Musique), where I got to meet a few of her friends, whom were all extremely cool, and visit a nice little park next to where she lives. It was pretty relaxing and I'm happy I went. Afterwards, I spent a whole week trying to clean my appartment. It's still far from being over, but it's in much better shape than it was before; and now that my flatmate has moved out, I'm left with a ton of things to buy. A vacuum cleaner, a TV, and a few more things that are adding up to the PC I have to purchase for school before September comes by, which is scaring me a lot because I don't know how I'll be able to pull all of this money out of my ass. And at last, this week-end, I went to the Gay Pride in Paris with luorescence and lilia_purpurea, and followed up by going to Amiens with them to meet up with friends who live there. I left on Monday morning and then went to see Ratatat last night... So yeah, I managed to stay pretty busy, which is a good thing (it's always easy to become lethargic during the holidays), but unfortunately, it also means I exercised and drew very little. Need to fix this.

I also feel like I need to say a few words about Ratatat: I really went to the show without expecting much. Originally, I had planned on going with a friend or two, but they all bailed out on me at the last minute. And the ticket was kinda expensive (the cheaper ones were at 36€ and they were all sold out, so I ended up on the balcony and paid more for it, which I'm generally not too much of a fan of except for classical music). I should mention that I'm really really really short on money right now and that this was extremely unreasonable, but it's not like I ever lived reasonably. And it was totally worth it. I had never seen videos of their live performances and had no clue what to expect from their shows, so I was pretty surprised by all the lights and projectors they had on stage. They had some projection screens with 3D effects and tons of laser lights that were going all around the venue, creating some extremely cool effects with the smoke in there, kinda looked like a screen of clouds. And of course, the music was great! They played most of my favorite songs by them (the only one I can think of that was missing was Flynn), and of course their notorious hits as well, which I didn't expect to come off so well on stage (Wildcat was a blast!). Listening to them these past few days, I kinda fell in love with Neckbrace, and it was particularly surprising live; if I recall correctly, they extended a few parts, and of course those basses are crazy to hear live, I couldn't help but tap my feet on the floor. I came out really amazed, it's probably one of the coolest concerts I've ever been to. I highly recommend you check them out if you didn't listen to them already, or check out all of their albums if you only know a few of their songs.
I'm really glad I started going to concerts a bit more frequently again, it's something that gives me a lot of energy and makes me very happy.

I managed to get some physical activity done yesterday, although I had only slept 4 hours the past night. It was 30 minutes of full body exercises, followed by 10 minutes of stretching. I noticed that so far, the area where I have the most difficulty are my legs, but I hope I'll get better soon, because it's also the area where I need to lose some weight. Today, I'm planning on doing exercises exclusively on the abs and to go running a little, but I have no clue how to organize that around my meals and so on. I think I might go running in the afternoon and do the exercises in the evening after dinner, or the other way around or something. I'll figure something out.

And at the begining of next week, I have a friend coming for a couple of days, then I'll just be staying home, then other friends coming over, and then I'm leaving for Budapest for a week at the end of June. I'm at the same time really excited and a bit stressed out that time is flying by so fast, haha.
【キキ】 indoors

I don't even know what the purpose of this LJ could be anymore

Alright, we're already 2 weeks into June, and thus into my summer vacation. And I got nothing done, which definitely isn't okay. But I was sick to death, again. Sore throat, sinuses completely stuck, and to top it off, a runny nose that killed me all of last week (eyes crying, got through X packs of tissues, it was a disaster). Slowly but surely, this weekend, it finally started to go away. Now I'm only left with a few coughs every now and then (it used to be non stop just a few days ago!), and it's totally bareable. Honestly, I thought I was going to die... I've been sick so often these past few months, it's not even funny. My plan these upcoming weeks is to clean the hell out of my appartment (to get the germs to completely go away) and apply for an insurance card; that way, I won't have to go through troublesome procedures every time I need to do something health-related (I'm still covered by my legal guardian, which is my mom). So the next time I as much as sneeze twice in a day, I'll go to a doctor right away; this two-week worth of hell of sneezes and coughs is something I never want to go through again.
Besides, there are other health related things I plan to cover this summer. My vacation sounds like a perfect opportunity to visit a psychologist for example, and go over some gender-related issues I have. I'm planning on looking into it as soon as possible!

Other than that, as the title of this entry announces it, well, I honestly have no purpose for this LJ anymore. I don't even really like LJ anymore; nothing keeps me on here. (Besides, Dreamwidth seems like a better platform now, I probably should've moved there way back when everyone was doing that...) So, I guess I might as well use it somehow, before I finally delete it at some point. And the use I found for it is... to help me keep track of what I do each week this summer. I have a big problem keeping up with time flowing by (always feels like it's either going too fast or too slow), and I'm really afraid to waste my time this summer by being unproductive when I have so many personal projects to take care of and when I want to improve by next school year. I also want to get back into physical activity considering that next year, a good friend and I have planned to take kung fu classes! So I hope I'll be back in shape by then, since I'm really excited about that.

So I guess this week will serve the purpose of a "back to work" gap, where I'll try to find my marks. I don't really want to give myself a strict schedule (besides, I don't think it would work very well with me), so I'll try to keep it loose and see how it goes:

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So next week, I should post to update on how this went. It doesn't sound like too much when laid out like this, so I hope I'll do well!

【スパイク】 the egg and i

Manger c'est tricher

The school year is finally over! And I passed! It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be; I fell behind in some subjects and ended up rushing a lot of work to finish it. Overall, I'm incredibly disappointed by myself for this third trimester. I could've made a lot more progress than I did, and gotten much better grades than that. But I just let things slide and it ultimately harmed me more than anything else.
I'm glad that it's behind me now, though. And I don't want to drag it around; I intend to use my summer vacation to work my ass off so I can improve before school starts again. Nonetheless, I'm very happy about the school year, although my grades weren't as great as they could've been. I made some great friends, I love the people from my class, my teachers were fantastic, and I can really tell I'm in a much better place than I was before. I'm eager to continue in this field although I was hesitant at first. I think that with hard work, I might even be able to make it somehow.

It was only fitting to end the year with friends, concerts, and way too much alcohol. So, Friday evening, 2 buddies and I went to Carpenter Brut's concert in Paris. What can I say? It was brutal as fuck, probably one of the most violent concerts I've been to. There were probably 3 people crowdsurfing at all times, girls taking off their clothes on stage, and the pogo were a real fight. It was tons of fun and the music was great, as it was to be expected. I guess the only thing I have to say about it is that the artist didn't interact with the crowd at all, and there was no encore. That was a real shame, but it was more than made up for by the fact it was a real blast.
The weekend went on with a huge party with the people from my class thrown on Saturday evening. We went to a friend's parents' house, which has a nice garden and a cave we spent most of our time in. I had planned to get wasted as fuck, and I did, which was tons of fun. I very rarely do so, but the end of the school year was the perfect occasion to drink and smoke everything I could get my hands on. There are so many anecdotes I get to keep as memories from that evening, it was definitely a big bunch of laughs. I hope I get to see everyone again, even those who didn't pass this year, because they're all fantastic people.

And right now, I'm just sitting at home, chilling for good. Probably should start cleaning up the place so I can actually get to work soon.